Biting My Tounge Off

Amplify Blog

By QFCC Youth Advocate Bri. 

This blog creatively highlights a young persons views on differences in relationships and explores interpersonal complexities in friendships. 

WARNING - This blog contains language that could offend some readers. 

 

I’d like to invite you to play a social game.

 

***

[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER]

{Man} {Woman} {Non-binary}

You have chosen: {Woman}!

 

[CHOOSE YOUR OPPONENT]

{Man} {Woman} {Non-binary}

You have chosen: {Man}!

 

GAME… START!

 

Your topic is…

{Taking videos at social events}

 

PLAYER’S TURN

State your opinion:

{I like to take videos at social events} {I don’t like to take videos at social events}

…

“Hi friend. I like to take videos at social events.”

 

OPPONENT’S TURN

…

“Put your phone away, f***er.”

…

“And sit you’re a** down!”

 

PLAYER’S TURN

{You’re right, my phone is an unnecessary distraction from life} {I like to capture some memories of fun times}

…

“I like to use my phone at social events, to capture the occasional memory of a nice moment with friends.”

 

OPPONENT’S TURN

…

“F*** that! A million screens to ruin the view!”

…

“Use the official video, produced by the event crew instead!”

 

PLAYER’S TURN

{Tell him he’s right} {Point out he’s wrong}

…

“What do you mean ‘event crew’? I just mean when I’m getting dinner with friends, I like to take some short videos or photos. There’s no event crew for that…”

BONUS QUESTION!

{Add emoji to show good humour} {Deliver message ice-cold}

…

“😂”

 

OPPONENT’S TURN

…

“Your friends mustn’t be that important then!”

 

PLAYER’S TURN

{Diminish your friends for the sake of his ego} {Defend them!}

…

“My friends are really important to me. And I know them better than you do – they don’t mind taking videos and photos at social events either.”

BONUS QUESTION

{Add emoji to show good humour} {Deliver message ice-cold}

…

“😂”

 

OPPONENT’S TURN

…

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

 

PLAYER’S TURN

{Acknowledge he is upset that you won’t agree with him and concede to protect his ego} {Miss that social cue entirely}

…

“I’ve been friends with these people for the past decade. I know they don’t mind us taking videos at social events because we always do it and share them with each other. Therefore, in this circumstance it’s okay to take videos at social events!”

…

{Add emoji to show good humour} {Deliver message ice-cold}

…

“😂”

 

OPPONENT’S TURN

…

“You’re being unpleasant.”

 

[DAMAGE TAKEN!!!]

 

PLAYER’S TURN

{Be silent} {Don’t defend yourself} {Let him speak}

 

OPPONENT’S TURN

…

“I also have friends and go to social events. Your experience isn’t the only one on Earth.”

…

“Don’t be arrogant.”

 

[DAMAGE TAKEN!!!]

 

PLAYER’S TURN

{Be silent} {Ask what you said that upset him} {Defend yourself}

…

“I’m really sorry… I’m not sure what I did to upset you all of a sudden.”

 

OPPONENT’S TURN

…

“You laughed at me during an argument.”

…

“You’re condescending.”

 

[DAMAGE TAKEN!!!]

[HEALTH DEPLETED]

 

[YOU HAVE LOST THE SOCIAL GAME]

 

***

 

Where to even begin? I’ve just relived the last, hurtful conversation I’ve had with a friend of about three years, a period of time that is not insignificant for adult friendships. You can bet that if I’m petty enough to create an entire game scenario from this conversation, I sure as hell have passed screenshots of the conversation around to others. Here’s what they said:

“That is some serious projecting. Calling you arrogant.”

“He is definitely just ignoring and overriding your opinions.”

“It was so sexist. Like you are unpleasant for stating your opinion? An opinion based on a lot of experience.”

“It’s like he knew he was losing the conversation.”

 

And that’s exactly what it felt like – losing a game.

So many of the people I shared this conversation with reassured me that I was NOT in the wrong. But why is it that I feel like I’m the one who lost?

Growing up as a woman, trying to be friends with men, can be difficult.

I’m not allowed to show my expertise or experience without risking coming off as an arrogant know-it-all.

I’m not allowed to be sterile and emotionless or else I’m unpleasant. But when I try to show emotion and it’s not the emotion people want to see (e.g., amused, rather than humbled) I’m still… unpleasant!

I’m not allowed to offer advice, but I MUST accept the advice offered to me by others because why else would I want to talk about my problems if not to solve them? And also, my biggest problem of all is always going to be me, my behaviour and actions and thinking patterns. It’s never going to be how I navigate the ethical complexities of the world and the social complexities of the people within it – that’s a problem for a higher frame of being, like a man who is trying to get me to change my mind on a preference I have and am entitled to. But I’m acting entitled and if I try to maintain that. I should just tell him he’s right and do what he wants. That seems to be the only way I can win.

And it’s still fundamentally a loss.

I decided to draw a line in the sand with this one. I haven’t had contact with that friend since our last, hurtful conversation.

My next move in the social game is either:

1. I make the first move to reconnect, because he won’t because I’m not worth the investment of his energy of time. In reaching out, I not only brush the hurt away in an effort to reconcile, but in his eyes I also accept responsibility for causing the hurt in the first place.
2. I hold him accountable for his actions by sending a firm message asserting the type of behaviour I will not tolerate from a friend. He takes offence to my effort to put boundaries on the friendship because he still doesn’t know his behaviour has been hurtful.
3. I never speak to him again.

When my friend decided to go on the attack, I wanted to message him and this is what I wanted to say:

“I have no understanding of how, in the middle of a perfectly fine conversation, you became so upset with me that you thought it was okay to call me unpleasant, arrogant and condescending. The thing is, I’m typing this message knowing I’m going to delete it because it would NEVER occur to me to speak to someone I call a friend the way you have just done to me. At any time that I’m made uncomfortable or offended by you, I try to chalk it up to misunderstanding and move on, because it’s not worth starting fights over stupid, pointless topics. I have done so much to preserve this friendship by accepting you in your worst moments and supporting you in your better ones, but you have no issue with calling me out and criticising me the moment I step a toe out of your line.”

 

I’ll sit silent, jaw

clenched, lips bloody, biting my

tongue off, for your sake.